“I want so much, that there wouldn’t be anything left. I want to make you smile, to make you feel new, to make you laugh, to make you feel safe, to break you down, to make you cry, to make you angry, to make you sore. I want to fill you, and to hollow you out, to sing to you, to disappear, to run with you, to lay with you, to smell you, taste every inch of your body. I want to run away, to pay less attention, to open my eyes and to close them, to sleep on opposite ends, to sleep in other rooms, to sleep embraced, to sleep under, over, in you, to wake up alone, to wake up and kiss you, to wake up to kisses, to fill every bit of your negative, to make love to you, to make compositions, to make moments anywhere, anytime. In the house, to fuck you, to be rough, to be gentle, to be very rough, to break things, to fix things, to lay around, to go places, to write things, to sing things, to read to you, to hide from you, to ignore you, to understand you, to misunderstand you, to bite you, to comfort you, to kiss you, to lift you, to carry you, to throw you, to drop you, to support you, to walk on you, to be walked on, to scream at you, to whisper in your ear, to drive places, to fly places, to find places, to sail places, to swim, to soak, to bathe, to be bathed, to shower, to massage, to tackle, to blush, to frown, to grin, to make you feel helpless, to make you feel alone, to be the only thing that matters, to know you’re everything. I want this and more. More. More. More. You see? We aren’t friends. And we aren’t enemies. And we aren’t this, and we aren’t becoming. There are no fairytales, I know you’re smarter than that. So this is a lost cause. It’s gone. It’s over. It’s done. You did this. I did this. We did this.”—people don’t forget.
“Perhaps we don’t like what we see: our hips, our loss of hair, our shoe size, our dimples, our knuckles too big, our eating habits, our disposition. We have disclosed these things in secret, likes and dislikes, behind doors with locks, our lonely rooms, our messy desks, our empty hearts, our sudden bursts of energy, our sudden bouts of depression. Don’t worry. Put away your mirrors and your beauty magazines and your books on tape. There is someone right here who knows you more than you do, who is making room on the couch, who is fixing a meal, who is putting on your favorite record, who is listening intently to what you have to say, who is standing there with you, face to face, hand to hand, eye to eye, mouth to mouth. There is no space left uncovered. This is where you belong.”—Sufjan Stevens
I dream of a world where a smile isn’t a rare gift and where sadness isn’t a curse and where the two together make life worth living. where media doesn’t define friend or foe and doesn’t tell me how to look, how to feel, how to act and how to live. where a flower, a smile, a thought, a touch, a smell makes it all worth it and the hardest words are nothing but poetry that spills from our mouth.
You can throw all your stupid fucking chick-lit, self help, why-doesn’t-he-love-me books out because this is all you need to know: men will treat you the way you let them. there is no such thing as “deserving” respect; you get what you demand from people. If you demand respect, he will either respect you or he won’t associate with you. It really is that simple.
the clouds are holding up the dawn they’re stilts or crutches, i can’t tell which one to keep the short days looking longer or to keep the sunlight from falling on broken legs. caught me looking through your eyes no, i’m not doing alright i’m just as stupid and desperate as i’ve always been
You simply do not and will never care. Why should I? You have successfully run out of life to suck out of yourself but that does not give you a right to start preying on me. You’ve pulled me lower than I ever cared to go. You’ve made a new home somewhere where I can’t reach you; where I can’t follow you. I’m sorry.
“Here we are, all of us basically alone, separate creatures just circling each other. All searching for the slightest hint of a real connection. Some look in the wrong places, some just give up hope because in their mind they’re thinking “oh there’s nobody out there for me.” But all of us, we keep trying over and over again. Why? Because every once in a while two people meet and there’s that spark and yes Bones he’s handsome and she’s beautiful and maybe that’s all they see at first. But making love, making love, that’s when two people become one.”— Booth, Bones S03E03 (via fightoffyourdemons-)
01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
I feel like I’m always going to be stuck in this endless process of loving until I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore. Until I can’t even see straight. Until it tears me apart. Until I hate every single piece of myself. Until they hate me back.
02 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
I can’t believe in 10 years I’ll be 30 years old. I’d like to be married by then. I’d like to have two children by then; a boy, and a baby girl. I’d like to be living by the sea in a cute house with a porch and blue shutters and a garden. I’d like to have a cat. I want to be able to paint and write and sing and play guitar barefoot and drink wine with dinner and iced tea and have long wild hair all the time and I want to know what it’s like to love something more than I love all those things combined. i want to be a mommy and hear little footsteps in the other room and laughs. I want to be able to look at something I created with someone who is everything to me and see a combination of my face and his looking back. I’d like to be as madly in love with each and every one of those things as I am as in love with the idea of them now.
03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
To each his own. I’m a peaceful and laid back person. I don’t believe or support anyone doing anything that is going to have a negative impact on their life. if you are doing something that causes you to not be able to control an aspect of your life and shit keeps going mad wrong, cut it out. Some of the best memories I can think of have been spent with best friends drunk out of my mind and laughing and taking too many pictures and singing too loud and that means everything.
04 - Your views on religion.
I hate organized religion. I hate dogmatic human beings. I believe in love, in morals, in human nature, in impulse, in passion, in disease and mental suffering, I believe in hope, and in pain, and in loss, and in finding completion in simple areas, in friendship, in loyalty, in trust. I believe that there is something out there greater than the sum of all our parts, but I do not believe in a specific religion’s god or gods. I believe that that life is very difficult and that it doesn’t have an “objective” or universally known value, but that the we must create value by affiriming it and living it, not by talking about it. Everyone exists. But very few actually live. I believe that organized religion was made to keep societies around the world in line and scared into living a way to make it easier for our world to be in a sense controlled. I believe man-made things aren’t the things that are going to make us feel “whole” or “complete”, but in the instances of life much simpler than that. I’ve felt more truth in being in a roomful of my best friends, holding someone’s hand, holding someone when they cry, giving away my meal to a homeless man, hearing a favorite song played live, seeing something breathtaking in nature, sitting on the porch in a thunderstorm, road trips, and in finding those who complete you - i’ve felt more out of living my life with those that I love and by helplessly loving them back than I ever have or ever will in a church or by reading a religious book. I do what I want when I want. I live the way I feel is right. I apologize when I’m wrong. I cry when I’m upset. I laugh until my stomach hurts. I love past boundaries. I believe homosexuality is not wrong. Let life happen. Stop thinking so much, don’t interrupt the scream, exhale and release what you FEEL. Everything is blooming and everything is flying and everything is screaming. Laughing. Running. That is all there is to life. And if living this way and feeling the way that I feel will lead me to hell, then at least I’ll know I’ll see most of you there. It’s going to be one incredibly tolerant and happy inferno.
05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.
This is such a touchy subject for me. Things in my past have been rough for as long as I’ve ever known, and believe it or not, when I say these are the best days for me so far - I mean it. I’ve thought long and hard about my life and what it means to me and I’ve had to settle with the fact that my own life really doesn’t mean a whole lot in my eyes. I am held down with the fact that I know my life means something to the ones I love and the ones who love me, and that’s who I’m here for. Not myself. Never myself.
06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
I’m allergic to chocolate. I was born 3 months early. My eyes change colors. My dad is a musician. I play a lot of instruments for this reason. I have double jointed thumbs. I think the most attractive thing about the opposite sex is when they laugh. I have a really high drinking tolerance. I’m irish and russian. I only eat red candy. I’m insecure about my body. In summertime, I get weird face freckles. My favorite animal is a narwhal. I would rather read than watch tv. I always fall for musicians, writers, or sweet talkers. I think green eyes are beautiful. I sincerely can never make eye contact with people I’m interacting with. I can’t sleep with any kind of light or sound present. I have an irrational fear of being paralyzed. I hate having focus or attention put on me. I speak sign language. My sister is mentally handicapped. I want to live somewhere that only has summer and fall. I seriously get really depressed during the winter months. I play video games. And online games. I’m easily impressed. On the contrary, it’s really hard to get/hold my attention. I’m fascinated by serial killer documentaries and conspiracy theories. I’d rather live than exist. I hope this is 30 facts because i’m too lazy to count.
07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Gemini. Yes, it fits. No way around it.
”Gemini is a Mutable Air sign, ruled by Mercury. As the third sign in the zodiac, Gemini is an energetic, charismatic, communicative, witty individual with a child-like fascination with the world and with new experiences. Famous and historical characters sharing this sign include John F. Kennedy, (May 29), Marilyn Monroe (June 1), and Judy Garland (June 10).
The Gemini personality stands out as the zodiac sign that knows something about just about everything, making them good conversationalists and interesting acquaintances. They are inquisitive and quick to digest new information and ideas. Intelligent and logical, but with a lot of nervous energy, Gemini likes to keep busy and expand their horizons whenever opportunities arise, often multitasking between several interests. However, as the sign of the Twins, there is a dual aspect to the Gemini personality, making it difficult for these individuals to stick with any one thing in order to master it, and often making it difficult for bystanders to figure out which side their Gemini friend is really on. Gemini has more than one personality, which can change in a flash, and those near to them would do well to learn them both. On and off, up and down, back and forth, black and white, day and night, ying and yang - this is the essence of the Gemini personality.
For those with a Gemini child, get ready for a ride! These kids can be sweet, cooperative little angles one moment and infuriating monsters the next. Gemini children are very verbal and soak information in like sponges. They therefore tend to master the art of communication quite early, often displaying knowledge beyond their years. This is a high-strung child with a lot of pent-up energy, so don’t be surprised if your 6 year old Gemini claims to have “tension headaches” or other physical complaints beyond his years. The Gemini child will not particularly like the rigors of school, but it is likely that he will know to turn on the charm to bluff his way through parts of it. Though he has the intellect to excel in school, it’s just not in little Gemini to follow things through to completion, so he will rarely be at the top of his class. Giving him a rich environment at home will help offset this, so be sure to introduce him to nature, sports, music, and reading early on, and also provide stimulation via computers and video games to help broaden his exploratory nature and hold his interest. Gemini kids seem to have a conflict between emotions and intellect, and this can manifest in a variety of ways, often in strange eating habits. Your Gemini might love only red jelly beans or want peanut butter on bread with no jelly and nothing to drink. If you ask about this type of thing, he will blithely tell you that the red ones give him strength or that he has exceptional salivary glands - in his own mind, he is perfectly justified in his choices regardless of how absurd they seem to everyone else. Your best bet is to keep the multi-vitamins handy for these little ones! With regard to other family members, Gemini will entertain and delight and generally get along fine with everyone, unless someone comes along that takes away his limelight, such as a younger sibling. In this case, your little Gemini may turn into a tormenter of this sibling for years to come, and this can be very difficult to control.
Because of his superior communication skills and innate charm, Gemini usually does well at work, with others often seeking them out for advice and new ideas. Conversely, the Gemini worker will not hesitate to seek others out for advice and ideas, always striving to stay on top of the information chain. When interested, Gemini can accomplish more in a day than other signs can accomplish in a week. When disinterested, however, the Gemini worker will procrastinate and eventually move on to more interesting pursuits. No surprise then, that Gemini tends to change jobs and even careers several times during his lifetime. The Gemini’s office will have lots of communication devices including computer, phone, Blackberry, cell, and a rolodex full of names, and he will constantly be networking and seeking out new connections. These same traits will also cause the Gemini to tend toward gossip, so if you want to hear the dirt on others, seek out your Gemini co-worker. Gemini can function well in almost any job capacity that he finds interesting, especially those that require lots of communication and interaction with others. With Gemini in a boss or leadership position, however, watch for a strong secretary or assistant that follows behind picking up pieces and finishing undone projects.
If you have found a romantic partner in a Gemini, you have a young at heart lover who wants to try new things and is always looking for a new adventure. The Gemini partner will need a quick wit, and the capacity to change directions on a moment’s notice. Gemini will frequently test their partners for loyalty and commitment, so try to keep jealousy and anger at bay, because although the challenge at hand may look like it is external, it is often a situation generated by Gemini himself as a test of your commitment. Additionally, while Gemini is often animated and fun, within a short time this can change to brooding and isolative, so learning when to back off completely is important in this relationship. If Gemini becomes bored within the relationship, he will almost certainly move on, often with no concept of the devastation he is causing, so keeping it fresh and alive over the long term is crucial to holding on to a romantic relationship with a Gemini.
The best matches for Gemini for sure are Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius, but Aries, Cancer, Taurus, and Leo might also work for some individuals. It will likely be tough going for Virgo and Pisces, which are the least compatible with Gemini.
Gemini in any relationship is smart, witty, fast, and fun. They are the life of the party and have a lot of acquaintances. They seek out others who are smart and adventuresome, and will become quickly bored with those who are homebodies or content with the status quo. Gemini wants to see the world, experience everything, and literally “learn something new every day.” He will be a fun and fascinating companion, but some may see him as superficial and “two faced” because his goal is to charm everyone all of the time. On good days, he will be charming and gracious, but on bad days he can be moody and even cruel. Remember, with Gemini, the by-word is “changeable,” so learn to expect anything!”
08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
I think fall 2007 I felt really carefree and there was something to that.
09 - How you hope your future will be like.
Please see question #02.
10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss.
My first love and my first kiss were unfortunately NOT the same person. I don’t know if you mean tongue kiss or “pop” kiss either. My first pop kiss came from this kid who was my BEST friend in 1st grade and he kissed me at the finale of an episode of that show ‘Reading Rainbow’ and I basically (to put it nicely) started screaming bloody murder and crying and I remember being really weirded out that it was even physically POSSIBLE for best friends to kiss best friends. I thought it was outside of the physical capabilities of human beings. My first love is up to strong interpretation; as “love” can mean many different things to many different people. I remember the first boy I ever blatantly admired and grew up with. I would say I loved him then. I remember the first boy who ever recognized me as a female and who taught me the bad (but then necessary) aspects of casual “dating”. I hate to say I loved him, although I probably did. I remember the boy who I went on my first official dates with and who I laughed with and became best friends with. I loved him. I remember a boy who was everything I was, and although that infuriated me BEYOND belief and made me want to tear my hair out of my head and spork my eyes out and dip my entire face in habanero sauce - the point is, I loved him too. I remember spending literally 6 years doing nothing but wanting and trying to revise myself to be good enough for a boy. I don’t know if I loved him or loved who I became because I loved loving him (make sense?). I remember finding a boy that made NOTHING else matter. I remember a lot. These are in no order, but they’re all very different people to me, and all very different aspects of love. I don’t know which one qualifies as first, real, love. I think they all were because all of them woke up a different piece of me, and I guess I owe that to them.
11 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
dave matthews band “#41”
the avett brothers “i and love and you”
iwrestledabearonce “tastes like kevin bacon”
lil wayne “crack house”
saetia “the poet you never were”
devendra banhart “autumn’s child”
the appleseed cast “innocent vigilant ordinary”
autopilot off “chromatic fades”
the velvet underground “run run run”
two tongues “crawl”
12 - Bullet your whole day.
drove to class.
class until 5:30.
now i’m here. i refuse to go in more depth about my day because it was honestly THAT lame. sorry guys.
13 - Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
Australia to hang out with David and Shannon and baby bear. duh.
14 - Your earliest memory.
My memory anything earlier than 14 is really screwed up.
15 - Your favorite tumblrs.
i really don’t feel like doing this either.
16 - Your views on mainstream music.
I just like music in general.
17 - Your highs and lows of this past year.
September was one big roller coaster. I’ve been all over the place emotionally.
18 - Your beliefs.
19 - Disrespecting your parents.
I admit I have been disrespectful to them in the past, but now that I’m older I am ashamed of how i’ve acted. I love my parents more than the world and i try to do right by them now. i believe how someone treats his/her mom/dad says a lot about how they’re going to treat you.
20 - How important you think education is.
I think learning is important. However, I believe education by things that actually is worth a fuck is the most important, and that cannot be taught in a classroom. There is not a single person on the face of the planet (mentally competent or not) that you can’t learn something from; and that’s a fact.
21 - One of your favorite shows.
I don’t know if this means music show or television show. I feel like a moron. I guess I’ll go for both. I think in regards to favorite show, it would have to be seeing Taking Back Sunday. Tell All Your Friends was amazing during that time. I felt invincible back then. As far as television goes, I really enjoy watching intervention a lot. I rarely watch tv.
22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Some would say I haven’t. Some would say too much. I don’t know nor do i care, i’m just going with it.
23 - Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive.
24 - Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. just watch.
25 - Someone who fascinates you and why.
My sister. Because she’s a miracle and she literally does not know HOW to hate anyone or anything.
26 - What kind of person attracts you.
Someone who can keep up with me. Someone who challenges me. Writers. Musicians. Artists. Guys who are passionate about something are extremely sexy. Guys with nice smiles and a complex mind. Manners. Guys who cook. Guys who aren’t ashamed to look like a hopeless idiot. Good smelling guys. On the downside, I tend to be attracted to arrogant jerks. Sweet talkers. Over confident pricks. Oh well, there’s always a downside.
“The relationship you have with the world is just like any other relationship. Every now and again, even if it’s pissed you off for no good reason, you have to look it in the eyes and say: I love you.”—
“Old lovers go the way of old photographs, bleaching out gradually as in a slow bath of acid: first the moles and pimples, then the shadings. Then the faces themselves, until nothing remains but the general outlines.”—— Margaret Atwood
“You are your hair and your eyes and your thoughts. You are what you look at and what you feel and what you do about it. The light from the sun is still a part of the sun. My thoughts of you are as real as any part of you.”—