I was laying there with her and holding her hand and I was looking at it, and I felt like I was seeing it for the first time in my life. Like when you just forget everything and go, this is a hand. This is a hand. Like when you stare at a word too long and forget how to spell it because everything in your mind is so jumbled up. You can't think straight because you're thinking too much. So it was like I was rediscovering every part of the human anatomy, and every single thing. I looked at the stars and I stared at them, and I wondered and wondered and thought and remembered and loved and treasured and wanted to save each memory in my head for tomorrow. I remember I kept hoping I wasn't trashed enough to forget it all the next day, but somewhere I knew I would always remember last night and those moments and I do and I always will.
Everyone needs to realize that “I love you” should also mean “I love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you,” and also, “I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else.”
“Dearest, do you know how much in love with you I am? Did I trip? Did I stumble - lose my balance, graze my knee, graze my heart? I know I’m in love when I see you. I know when I long to see you, I’m on fire. Not a muscle has moved. Leaves hang unruffled by any breeze. The air is still. I have fallen in love without taking a step. You are all wrong for me and I know it, but I can no longer care for my thoughts unless they are thoughts of you. When I am close to you, I feel your hair brush my cheek when it does not. I look away from you sometimes, then I look back. When I tie my shoes, when I peel an orange, when I drive my car, when I lie down each night without you, I remain… Yours…”—The Love Letter (1999)
“There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else; they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”— Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself To Live
You were my beliefs all rusting over, and I was the support within your spine. We noticed that the stars were exploding, so we stared at the sky until we were blind.
Then cut off both our arms and reached for nothing. Rewound the frames that twisted in our minds. And we watched separate lives in backwards motion. So we ended up connected at the sides.
I wondered if the sky was just a ceiling. And you wondered if the ground was just a floor. Oh, how the world will make a fool of a believer. I was a believer once before.
But the airways in our stomachs never seemed to find it funny as we’d float above the ocean. But I loved you from a corner, through the bricks and through the borders.
So we’ll place all our remains within a freezer and believe that they won’t spoil. And I’ll trade being your spine with another who thinks that she can keep your bones aligned. And I’ll watch as she finds that I’m your home.
“Who you think I am reminds me of who I wish I could be. I’m crying right now for all the countless times because I know I let you down in an unforgivable way. I let you think I was the person you wanted me to be. I was learning. Whatever you wanted was how I should be. All the missed calls when all you wanted was to hear anything I had to say. I don’t deserve anything from you, but right now I really think I might literally die if I don’t know you’re there waiting for me to grow the fuck up. You always knew you were the only one for me and I told you differently. I just want to know you still think I’m capable. I was always fucking less without you. I don’t care how much strength I have, I just won’t make it without you.”—